I’ve been fortunate enough to make a living playing music for the last 3 years. Before that, I was traveling and sharing music all over the country but was struggling to make ends meet. Living out of hotel rooms, my van, or sleeping on other people’s couches (dog dander included lol). I learned a lot from those life experiences and saw a lot of the country… I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
These days, I’m far more settled, grounded, and level headed. Life has been better with age. A home, lovely fiancé, and her child that I now call my own, both beautiful girls have helped fill a huge void that I had in my heart for many years. I’m eternally grateful for them, even though they drive me fucking nuts half the time… lol
Music from Madness:
The oscillation of this lively sign wave becomes one beautifully tragic never-ending cycle. Though it’s fleeting, relief comes after the completion of the next creative thought. I create because I wouldn’t know how to survive without the process. I’m very seldom happy with the finished product, so there comes the motivation to keep creating.
Being a full-time musician has its ups and downs. Living with Bipolar Depression sometimes can feel like having 2 personalities that don’t agree with one another at all. One that gets overly excited about even the most insignificant things, while the other doesn’t feel like anything is worth a shit… Myself included. It can be extremely confusing when one day you’re absolutely in love with life, elated and full of inspiration for the future, and then you wake up the next morning and have no connection and all that was so familiar yesterday feels absolutely foreign today. You feel robbed, lost in your own skin. I’ve caught myself looking down at my arms outstretched before me not even recognizing my own hands or appreciating all the work that these hands have put in to building my story. I’ve thrown away too many creative endeavors because of this mental back and forth nature – a love hate relationship that I’ve had to nearly everything in my life. It’s gotten easier.
Better than nothing. 🙂
Time has helped me to become self aware and a bit more equipped to talk myself through both perspectives, the highs and the lows. We all have our challenges, this one just happens to be my blessing and curse. Without it, I’d have no reason to share, most likely no reason to create.
But sometimes I wake up and wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t have to expend so much energy keeping my mind at bay.
The power of “I Am” affirmations has worked miracles for me though. It sure has taken the edge off and helped make the stage a safe place even during the depressive states. Sometimes it’s just getting to the stage that seams impossible. Once I’m performing the anxiety dissipates… Man o man have I said some weird shit to audiences over the years though… lol. Sometimes I have a terribly difficult time using a filter. Especially when I’ve finished my 7th can of Coke… When you’re in a low sometimes you need a fucking lighting bolt to get you going. I’m not into illegal drugs so I’ll settle for caffeine. lol. Now, if I’m in a high and I still drink lots of Coke ( like a dumbass ) chances are the entertainment will probably be otherworldly for the evening, but my mood swings for the next few days will be of equal proportion.
Thanks for reading my Bipolar Blogs and feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions or you just want to talk about life.
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